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EATER TYPES
A Tongue-In-Cheek Look At Our Eating HabitsDisclaimer: This article is not intended to offend anyone.
It is written merely to draw attention to the subject of food and its importance in society.
And as usual, to have a little fun doing it. Enjoy!
In general, "Foodies" (simple definition: a person with an above-average interest in food) are far more interesting people than non-foodies. They understand the concept of "You Are What You Eat" and firmly believe that variety is the spice of life. They also like to share information which they deem to be interesting or even exciting - especially in the form of email photos - with other Foodies. It's all based on what Foodies believe to be a healthy interest in the stuff that keeps us going through life - FOOD!
As a self-confessed Foodie, I have "broken bread" with many people in different parts of the world, in many different cultures, and in all kinds of circumstances and surroundings, and I have come to the point where I can break down any country's eaters (or at least, the ones I've met) into some distinct categories. Let's look at Canadian Eaters and what ‘makes them tick’. The list is by no means complete...
Eater Type 1: MODERN-DAY MEAT (ONLY) LOVERS
Basically a bunch of pseudo-barbarians who have barely progressed past the point of smashing something on the head to kill it, overcook it, and then eat it. For them, a balanced meal consists of a bunch of meat and a couple of other overcooked things on the plate, mainly for color...it doesn't really matter what they are! The Steak House restaurant concept could have been invented by a Type 1 eater.
Eater Type 2: "OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!"
Closely related to the "I Know What I Like To Eat" Eater (See Eater Type 6), except that this one will at least consent to going to a "different" kind of restaurant for a food adventure. The problem is, they can never find anything on the menu that looks familiar and usually end up recoiling in horror at the various dishes emerging from the kitchen on their way to other diners.
There is hope for this category of eater though, but they should be accompanied by a qualified foodie on their first few adventures...kind of an "adult education" program.
Eater Type 3: "EATER ON THE RUN"
This refers to the growing number of folks in the cup-holder-in-the-car crowd. We've been told that it's highly dangerous to talk on a cell phone, do text messaging, read a newspaper, or smoke while driving a car (all true!), but it's apparently OK to wolf down a couple of fast-food cheeseburgers, an order of super-size fries, and what amounts to a pail of pop or some other equally nutritious beverage while trying to maneuver through traffic in a big city or on a busy highway. It's kind of like second-hand smoke - dangerous for all - with life-threatening consequences that are far more immediate in nature. The driver, in addition to damaging his/her own body with that suspect 'food', can also cause an accident when he/she drops a handful of ketchup-soaked fries on the floor, which would have a negative impact (literally!) on anyone around him/her.
This type of eater is also known as the "ER" (Eat & Run) person. Or, "ER" for where they're eventually going to end up! The good news is, this category of eater is generally found only in Canada & the U.S., which makes the rest of the world a somewhat safer place in which to drive. And eat.
Eater Type 4: FAD DIETER
This is the one that can actually end up believing in bizarre concepts like eating fried eggs and meat 3 times a day will help you lose weight and get healthy. Or, eating grapefruit every second day will cause weight loss, or some other similar nonsense. These people will even spend money on special foods and books in the belief that they will accomplish their goal of weight loss! Wow!
These folks also fall into a secondary group called "Potential Customers for Oceanfront Property in Saskatchewan". These poor gullible people don't seem to realize that a diet is like driving on that little spare tire after a blowout on the highway...it's only temporary and it just delays the inevitable!
Here's a suggested formula for sustainable weight loss: Spend a couple of bucks on a basic nutrition book, take the time to read it, and then...Eat less bad food, more good food, and go for a walk every day. Gee...is that so hard to understand?!?
Eater Type 5: ORGANIC, HEALTH FOOD EXTREMIST
This eater will not eat anything that isn't labelled organic. Not a bad objective. Never mind that the word "organic" can mean several different things in several different areas of the continent. They are sometimes "wishful thinkers" in hoping their own personal interpretation of the "O" word applies to everything they buy to eat. It is a noble pursuit for sure, but if carried out without some degree of caution, can lead to problems.
After all, a major source of E-coli in our North American food supply is cow poop, which is truly 100% organic. And some of it ended up in the Organic Spinach. Careful. Hopefully there will be consistent and sensible standards for ‘Organic’ some day, and that will be a benefit to all.
Eater Type 6: "I KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO EAT"
This is the classical "meat & potatoes" person. Doesn't like to try anything new, and basically eats the same things, day in and day out. These people are generally unsociable, grumpy, and a real pain in the butt. Also known as the "Ugly American" (in this case, the ‘Ugly Canadian’) when touring abroad.
Eater Type 7: "EAT TO STAY ALIVE"
This is the one that knows how many calories it takes to stay alive (at least in the short term) and then will consume anything that will deliver that minimum number of life-sustaining calories. As a result of this (lack of) thinking, they will shovel anything down their throat without a thought as to the consequences.
Food isn't a priority in their lives, as they're usually preoccupied with other "important" things like deadlines, shopping (non-food), socializing, and any other activity you can name. Their lack of taste in food usually spills over into their taste in everything else, and thus they can end up being just a group of "tasteless" people.
Eater Type 8: EXTREME VEGAN
Oh, oh...this is the category from whence the people try out for roles in vampire and/or zombie movies. Lack of strength, sickly thin bodies, white complexions, and dark circles under their eyes typify this type of eater. Some vegans are so extreme that they cheat themselves out of a balanced diet. They mix up a bunch of spiritual and nutritional information to the point where they themselves are so mixed up, they don't understand the consequences of their diet. They are also hard to hear in a conversation as they usually don't have the strength to speak up and be heard.
Eater Type 9: "SUSCEPTIBLE TO ALL ADVERTISING"
This is the one that food marketers target with a vengeance. The commercials for fast foods, diamond-shaped breakfast cereals, packaged instant foods, and...well, if you watch any TV, you get the picture. The strange thing about this eater is that they don't seem to have a great ability to think (absorb information, process it, and then arrive at an intelligent decision) when it comes to the subject of food. They just say to themselves, "Oh, that looks good" and then go and buy it. That is pretty much how a small child makes decisions. The evidence is in the shopping carts at the local supermarket, every day. These people are NOT buying once-in-a-while treats, this is their steady diet.
Their kids (assuming their fathers' depleted sperm counts still worked, and they still had enough intelligence and strength to arrange the conception) are the ones that eat pop and potato chips for their daily lunch.
Eater Type 10: BLISSFULLY (?) UNAWARE
This is the one that doesn't understand the 'You Are What You Eat' concept at all, and doesn't want to know. This is the one that eats out in lots of fast food places, orders all the wrong things, buys nothing but microwavable convenience foods when they do actually "cook" at home, and doesn't particularly like fruits, vegetables, or any real food. Sweets figure prominently in their daily intake of calories, including pop.
This eater was "first generation" in the sixties and seventies, but we're now at the point where we're seeing 2nd and even 3rd generations of this sad category. And, as they waddle toward old(er) age, they are filling up the health care system faster than it can handle them.
There may be no need to worry about a 4th generation of these Eaters, as - due to overconsumption of fast-food hamburgers with too many female growth hormones in the meat - the boys look like they're starting to turn into girls. Even if their sperm counts aren't below effective levels, they may not know what to do anyway! The Pope should be speaking out against Blissfully Unaware Eaters now, as the results will be surely become very anti-Catholic.
Eater Type 11: AGING BABY BOOMER (A.B.B.)
This is an eater type that is evolving from various categories previously mentioned into a more aware, balanced, and focused eater. This type of eater would have typically become tired of a steady diet of ‘meds’ - made necessary in part because of past eating habits - and is now actively seeking a way to feel better, look better, and BE better through a sensible and healthy diet.
This eater type is emerging as perhaps the largest and most powerful category of eater in the country, due to sheer numbers and financial strength. And this is the one that may cause positive changes to occur in the Canadian food scene. |
